So over the last 8 months or so, I've gotten sober, gotten a job, got my kids back from the state (after a 3-year battle) finished my first semester of college (with a 3.66 GPA), moved out of my car into my own house (renting not owned), and have made quite a bit of progress with healing, making and maintaining positive change, and becoming the woman I want to be. It hasn't necessarily been a struggle, but I have busted my ass, sacrificed, and made a TON of lifestyle changes. I question myself countless times a day on if I'm doing things the right way or not, if I should be doing more or less, if this is how I should be doing this or that. It's definitely not an easy process but it is a rewarding one. Not in the "addict mind" instant gratification way, but in the being able to look back at each day, each week and now each month and say "wow, I stayed sober", or " I started/finished/completed.....". It truly is a beautiful place to be.
I would have to say that getting clean was the biggest part of getting to where I am at this very moment yet ironically it was the easiest part to accomplish. In part, because I am a pro at getting clean, I've done it dozens of times. Mostly though, I was just tired of the people, the lifestyle, the atmosphere, the ugliness, the pettiness, and the overall fuckery of everything that had to do with using and acquiring meth. That made it much easier to walk away from; the other reason it was not only easier but that I was able to maintain long-term sobriety this time, is that for the first and only time in my life, I was actually doing it for me. Not because I needed to pass a UA for probation or DHS, not because my husband was getting out of jail and I needed to sober up before he got home, not because I was in jail and I didn't have a choice, but because I was just done. That was the key to my success.
Along with that came (the most beautiful thing about sobriety) clarity. Now, I was a "functioning addict" so for me to realize that I was actually lacking anything while using was honestly somewhat of a shock to me. That may sound funny but it's true. So to me, clarity meant so many things, I was able to have a list of things I wanted to accomplish and actually get them done as opposed to making a convoluted mess out of every small task I set for myself, I was able to leave the house without a full-on Jeffree Starr face full of makeup, I could take a shower without having to spend 30 minutes making a playlist to listen to while I showered, and really seeing what my life was like while using and finding it severely lacking. While I was a functioning addict, I wasn't really present in the ways I am when I'm clean. This of course is the reason I was using it in the first place, to dull those feelings and emotions that might have been uncomfortable; however, it dulled the good ones too.
I've come to the conclusion that this is going to be more than one post... a series if you will. I just have way too much to say on this topic, so I am going to break it down and make it more manageable and a slightly less hot mess. I will be back soon with the next installment. Hope you come back for the rest, shit I hope someone is actually reading what I write.
I leave you with good vibes and positive energy
Hot Mess Momma
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