Healing , Becoming, Changing, and What That Has Looked Like For Me Thus Far or Something Like That(part 2)

  The hardest part of what I call the "becoming" phase of my life I find myself in now has been my mental health, emotions, and parenting. I suffer from ADHD and anxiety, and mild depression. I say mild because I am surprisingly upbeat and positive, considering what I've gone through. My ADHD and anxiety, however, are not so mild. Now that I am no longer self-medicating, my ADHD and anxiety have become almost unmanageable. It's crazy having to just sit with my disorders and feel their full force and effect. My ADHD makes my mind go a million miles an hour with thoughts of what I need to do, how to do it, what I'm going to do next, and different ways I could do it. You get the point. My anxiety, though, sits me the fuck down because I look around at or think about all the things I need to do, and I get completely overwhelmed and can't do anything at all. If you know, you know; if not, I hope my explanation makes some sense.

My other hurdle has been parenting after having my children in foster care for 3 years. I fought and won the hardest battle, not allowing my children to get lost in the system. Which was no easy feat, I can tell you that. I had my children taken away from me and was expected to act like a functioning adult and a mother, no less. I struggled with addiction and bad choices throughout this process but what I never did or could do is give up or even entertain the thought that my children would ever end up anywhere but home with me. Of course, in my mind, I thought that everything would be rainbows and sunshine as soon as they were home. That was definitely not the case. 

Yes, it was amazing having my girls home with me, and the amount of joy I felt seeing their little faces every morning when I woke up and putting them to bed every night was nothing short of miraculous. However, it sometimes was (and still is) overshadowed by the overwhelming amount of damage caused by the ordeal. They suffered so much trauma, mostly psychological that they were home for the first couple of months; we were miserable a good chunk of the time. Or I was, anyway. They wouldn't listen to me. They acted out in any and every way possible. There were meltdowns and breakdowns several times a day. Of course, this brought out a pang of newfound guilt because I thought I was a piece of shit for getting angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed. I thought I should be so happy that they were home that none of that other shit should matter. Again, not the case; not even close.

I was in tears every day, multiple times a day. I yelled and said shit I shouldn't have said, spanked them, freaked out, and was carrying on generational trauma that I had hoped to not repeat due to my own childhood. Things have started getting better (manageable, at least) almost 5 months in. It is far from perfect here at the Hot Mess Mansion, I still have battles every day, but they are more like skirmishes than full-on wars. They have started to realize that I am not going anywhere, I have developed much more realistic expectations of myself and my children, and we are loving each other through it. My struggles with my own mental health have had a lot to do with my parenting, or lack thereof, throughout this process. I am slowly but surely getting a handle on it. Like everything in my life these days, it is a work in progress.

I am far from where I would like to be in a perfect world, but closer than I've been in a long time. So to anyone struggling with parenting or anything, just know it gets better. Not immediately, and not necessarily in how we imagined they would, but they do. All you can do is allow yourself the chance to grow and learn and accept that you are doing the best you can with what you've got in any given moment, and that's enough. It's more than enough because you are fucking doing it. You made the conscious decision to get up and not give up. 

As always, I hope that this resonated with someone, that someone read this and felt less alone or that someone read it at all. If you're reading this, just know that you got this. Even when you feel like you don't, you're making progress.

Sendin' Love and Good Vibes, 

Hot Mess Momma

Losing People You Love, Grief Loss and Being at a Loss

 Hot Mess Momma here today with a heavy heart. I hope ya'll are doing well and remembering to tell the people you love that you love them and love the people you're with. I've lost 2 dear friends this week. One was to a sudden and ravaging illness. The other is what is most likely a suicide, but that has not been determined yet. Both women were near and dear to my heart in different ways. They were the special kind of friends you could only talk to once in a while, but it was always as if you hadn't missed a day. They each had a very strong and lasting impression on my life as I met them both in recovery. One I met in rehab in 2020, and the other I met last year in sober living. These losses have hit me hard and shaken me mentally and emotionally, as only death can do. First and foremost, my heart aches for their families and their feelings. I was reminded how easy it is to take our friends and family for granted. It is easy to assume that they will be there when you are ready to apologize, say I love you, return a phone call, or even make the time to say hello or catch up. What if they're not, though? In taking our loved ones and their presence for granted and not being present in every moment, we lose our chance to make meaningful and lasting memories, enjoy and make the most of the time that our loved ones and we have.

In life, we may not always have the ability or opportunity to be with the people we would like to be with. Either because they live too far away or because of some petty offense that we haven't made right for whatever reason. What we can do, though, is take a cue from the legendary musical group Crosby, Stills and Nash: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." Make it a point to cultivate and nurture meaningful, honest relationships built on trust, mutual respect, honesty, and love. I believe that with this attitude and intent, we will all be just a little happier and more connected to the world around us, and after all, that's what it's all about. Right?

Sending Positive Vibes and Energy Your Way, 

Hot Mess Momma

Healing, Becoming, Changing, and What That Has Looked Like For Me Thus Far...Or Something Along Those Lines (Part 1)

    Heck of a title ain't it! You know I'm new at this blog thing so we're going to grow through this together and hopefully, you guys will at some point let me know what works and what doesn't and one day soon we'll have a real live blog. I read somewhere that long title posts are a plus for whatever reason hence my working title. Basically, this will be some random thoughts about the last 8 months or so of my life which I hope to share in a somewhat organized fashion. Off we go into the mind of a Hot Mess hold on tight!

    So over the last 8 months or so, I've gotten sober, gotten a job, got my kids back from the state (after a 3-year battle) finished my first semester of college (with a 3.66 GPA), moved out of my car into my own house (renting not owned), and have made quite a bit of progress with healing, making and maintaining positive change, and becoming the woman I want to be. It hasn't necessarily been a struggle, but I have busted my ass, sacrificed, and made a TON of lifestyle changes. I question myself countless times a day on if I'm doing things the right way or not, if I should be doing more or less, if this is how I should be doing this or that. It's definitely not an easy process but it is a rewarding one. Not in the "addict mind" instant gratification way, but in the  being able to look back at each day, each week and now each month and say "wow, I stayed sober", or " I started/finished/completed.....". It truly is a beautiful place to be. 

    I would have to say that getting clean was the biggest part of getting to where I am at this very moment yet ironically it was the easiest part to accomplish. In part, because I am a pro at getting clean, I've done it dozens of times. Mostly though, I was just tired of the people, the lifestyle, the atmosphere, the ugliness, the pettiness, and the overall fuckery of everything that had to do with using and acquiring meth. That made it much easier to walk away from; the other reason it was not only easier but that I was able to maintain long-term sobriety this time, is that for the first and only time in my life, I was actually doing it for me. Not because I needed to pass a UA for probation or DHS, not because my husband was getting out of jail and I needed to sober up before he got home, not because I was in jail and I didn't have a choice, but because I was just done. That was the key to my success.

    Along with that came (the most beautiful thing about sobriety) clarity. Now, I was a "functioning addict" so for me to realize that I was actually lacking anything while using was honestly somewhat of a shock to me. That may sound funny but it's true.  So to me, clarity meant so many things, I was able to have a list of things I wanted to accomplish and actually get them done as opposed to making a convoluted mess out of every small task I set for myself, I was able to leave the house without a full-on Jeffree Starr face full of makeup, I could take a shower without having to spend 30 minutes making a playlist to listen to while I showered, and really seeing what my life was like while using and finding it severely lacking. While I was a functioning addict, I wasn't really present in the ways I am when I'm clean. This of course is the reason I was using it in the first place, to dull those feelings and emotions that might have been uncomfortable; however, it dulled the good ones too. 

     

    I've come to the conclusion that this is going to be more than one post... a series if you will. I just have way too much to say on this topic, so I am going to break it down and make it more manageable and a slightly less hot mess. I will be back soon with the next installment. Hope you come back for the rest, shit I hope someone is actually reading what I write. 

I leave you with good vibes and positive energy

Hot Mess Momma

   

We Do Recover...

    Hey, ya'll! I wanted to talk about addiction and recovery today. These are both things I have LOTS of firsthand knowledge about. I am not necessarily proud of that, but I am not ashamed, either. I was talking to a friend the other day about addiction, what it's like in early recovery, and why I believe it is so hard for people to take that first step and stay clean and sober. I can only speak for myself, but it was like when you finally decided to leave a toxic relationship. With getting sober, we struggle because all we can remember are the good parts. Like how good it makes you feel. You go into a depression because all you can think of is that drug/alcohol and all the times it helped you to "feel better", took away your pain, and was always with you when no one else was there. Leaving drugs to make a better life for yourself is scary and in doing so you go through a type of mourning the same way you do when you leave a bad relationship. Also like a bad relationship, you may go back a few times out of habit, loneliness, or a need for the familiar. Still, eventually, you realize it's not worth the pain and fuckery and you are able to walk away for good.

    We forget how it robbed us of so many things; our friends, jobs, homes, our sense of self, our dignity, our belongings or our loved one's belongings, the trust others had in us, our pride our morals, and last but not least the most precious of all time. Time away from our families, time spent trying to get the drug, time spent being unhealthy and unable to present in moments that mattered with people we love. We can never get this time back, but we can, if we take that first step toward recovery, make the best of the time that we do have. 

I kind of got lost in the writing of this post it took me a week longer than I intended to write it due to some personal issues, being ill, and trying to figure out if this blog is something i can or should do but it's done. Hope you like it and that it helps someone please reach out to me if you want to discuss this further, if you need clarification or if you just want to shoot the shit.

Sending Love and Positive Energy, 

Hot Mess Momma

Super excited finally created my first and only logo!!

I'm not sure what I'm going to need a logo or a slogan for, but I've got both, and I couldn't be happier 😀 Feel free to comment and let me know what you think...

 

      Hi everyone! As it gets closer to Christmas and emotions are coming to the surface for many of us, I wanted to talk a little bit about anxiety. I suffer from anxiety and am currently off my meds due to issues with finding a new provider, so it's really hitting me hard. I want to share some of my thoughts and feelings today in hopes that anyone who reads this. 

    I have 2 young daughters, so my house is trashed, but every time I get up to start cleaning, I get overwhelmed and sit back down. I have not been able to get off the couch or out of bed for about 3 days now. I mentioned in my introduction that I fought DHS for 3 years to get my daughters back, and this is the first Christmas I've had them and I had to call their Dad to pick them up early (he was supposed to come the 26th) because my anxiety got the best of me. I am struggling internally because this is my first chance to spend Christmas with my daughters, and I had to tap out.

    I've gone back and forth all day about this, and I am still having mixed emotions, but at the end of the day, I have to stand by my decision because I know it is the best thing not only for myself but for my daughters as well. They deserve the best version of me possible, and I am incapable of giving that to them. I am yelling at them for small things, ignoring the big things, I'm pretty much immobilized, and I've been crying intermittently throughout the day. They don't understand any of this; they just know that mommy is different, and at a time in our lives where consistency and stability are so important, keeping them with me when I have an alternative would set us back. 

As you can see, I am comfortable talking about my mental health issues, but I know not everyone is. I want to normalize talking about your mental health issues, whatever they may be. I also want people to stop beating themselves up for how they feel at any given time. I know it's hard because I spent most of the day kicking my ass. Feelings and emotions set us apart from animals; they remind us that we are alive and beautifully flawed and human. So, before you get stuck in these emotions and let them take you to a negative place, remember it doesn't have to get to that point. Reach out to friends, family, and loved ones, take a walk or a drive, read a book, watch a movie, listen to music that touches your soul, anything that keeps you present yet able to feel and process your emotions.

Keep in Keepin' On, 

Hot Mess Momma

Hot Mess Momma Let's Get to Know Each Other

     Hi, I'm Gillian, aka the "Hot Mess Momma." I am new to blogging, and I ask you to bear with me and be kind. I'm open to suggestions and advice if you have any, but please be kind. Let me tell you a little about myself and my hopes for this blog. 

    I am a 43-year-old single mother of 5 and 6-year-old girls. I also have two adult children, ages 24 and 28, and 3 granddaughters. I am currently a full-time student and a Direct Care Provider for intellectually disabled adults. I am also funny, obnoxious (at times), cuss like a sailor, and have a questionable sense of humor; I am outspoken, opinionated, and suffer from ADHD and Anxiety. I am also kind, compassionate, interested in people, and willing to share my stories in hopes that they will help someone or make them feel less alone. I have done several years/terms in prison, been in abusive and toxic relationships for as long as I can remember, I have a son that is part of the LGBTQ+ community, and I just got my girls back from the state after a 3-year battle. Most recently, I finished my first semester of college after being out of school for nearly 30 years. 

    Now tell me about yourself, anything you want me to know, questions you'd like to ask me, topics you'd like me to discuss. Anything at all. Eventualy, I would like to have a "Dear Hot Mess" advice column so maybe you could share your thoughts on that as well. I hope to get to know my readers (assuming I get some) well and share this journey together. 

Bye for Now, 

Hot Mess Momma

    .